after paying the lawyer, and setting aside money for future expenses (i.e. a money order thing for homeland security. they must be getting rich from people like me), i'm officially broke. well, not really. just that i have nothing in my immediate possession, save for a lil bit of loose cash from the weekend. so i guess i won't be putting up albums for a while, at least, none of the drunken bar scenes (which actually is a good idea haha).
last night, we got a call that my uncle's blood pressure is down to 30/40. that he might be passing over the night. we know he might be passing anytime soon. his family knows it. he knows it. as bad as it sounds, everybody's just waiting for THAT CALL. but it's okay. he should be in a better place soon.
tita rose was talking to my uncle's wife last night, giving her support and telling her to be strong at this time. and i overheard her talk about how it was when my mom was passing. and the things she and my dad talked about in her last few moments. and everything sort of just came flooding back. i've heard all this before. and it's been more than 10 years. but it still doesn't make things easier. i still miss her. and sometimes i wonder how different things would've been had she survived. i imagine things would've been a WHOOOOLE lot easier with her around. my mom had a way of always making things better.
i remember how beautiful she was. and how, at family gatherings or social events, she would always be the center of attention. she had that glowing aura. she did everything perfectly, not in the stepford wife sense (she was faaaar from being the like), but was perfect in a way that every movement is graceful and confident. the way she spoke to people made you feel like you were in the presence of royalty. at least, i felt like people treated me like the princess because she was queen. yup, princess by default. i always wondered how my dad ever managed to attract someone like my mom -- beautiful, headstrong, smart, funny (she had this amazing laugh like loud but dainty), perfect. he was always just quiet and sort of awkward. haha, i guess i AM my father's daughter. they made quite a pair though. and although my dad has a new family now, i'm pretty sure that my mom is still the love of his life.
i got a call from him early this morning (*yawn*) actually. he'd been arguing with my tita again (my mom's sister who handles all our paperwork). i had requested for them to send me certain documents that i need for the filing of my visa extension. and my tita was giving him (and me) a hard time (we all think she's purposely doing it so i'd come home instead. she never wanted me to leave in the first place. but that's a story for another time) about it, to the point that my dad gave up and told me to deal with her myself. oh boy... as spiteful as this may seem, i wonder if she'll ever realize i don't want to live her life.
i should be worried i'm putting my life in her hands right now. but i'll give her the benefit of the doubt. i know she cares about me. i just don't know if she cares enough to let me live MY life.
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