for the record

things are okay now.

i've had time to talk. i've had time to listen. and i've had time to think. and i've come to a couple of realizations.

this weekend was mostly my fault. i put too much undue pressure on myself and on the one i love, and it was unfair. sure, there was an agreement made--it was a family weekend. but that doesn't give me the right to boss him around the way i did. nor does it give me the right to expect too much of him when things probably would've been fine otherwise. i was too caught up with wanting him to leave a good impression that i completely forgot that if people just saw that i was happy, then there'd be nothing to worry about.

but i was scared. i didn't want a repeat of my past relationship, where he couldn't bounce back from one little mistake. everything they saw after that was just the bad things. and i know it was unfair of me to think that way of my family, as well as it was unfair of me to compare him to my last relationship. but it's not like i have nothing to base my worries on.

people will always talk. i've accepted that a long time ago. i've lived by it my whole life. and i never really cared about what people say. i know that nobody's perfect. but i guess this one matters too much that i just didn't want any hitches at all. which, i realize now, is completely unfair to him. i should've just let him be. at least, if anybody would have anything to complain about, it'd just petty things like forgetting to wipe the sink after using it, or wearing slippers up and down the stairs, or leaving stuff on the couch. now i fear people think he's not good enough, or that he doesn't treat me well, or that he doesn't like the family, or that i'm not happy. and none of that is true at all.

i understand he doesn't do well in crowds. he was trying, and i didn't see that. or at least, i expected the big gestures, when i should've been happy with him trying little by little. sure he had his faults as well. but the frustration mostly sprung from how i was treating him.

one dance. that was all he asked for. and i couldn't give it to him.

i'm sorry.

and thank you to my family who came up and asked/made sure i was ok. i know you guys are just concerned. and you just want to make sure i'm happy. and i appreciate it. i am happy. i'm ok now. we're ok now.=) we feel really bad that it happened at katie and caloy's weekend. but i'm hoping the next family weekend won't be so drama-filled. hehe..