recently, i've come to learn that people will try so hard to keep things to themselves, for fear of being branded weak. we zip our lips just enough so we don't say anything we'll regret later on. but letting things slide, no matter how small they are, pile up at some point. and if you want to keep your job or your relationship--even more, your dignity--intact, you better find a good shoulder to cry on. because more often that not, anything we say or do at that point will always come back and bite us in the ass.
yesterday, i was given a figurative slap in the face when i got my ass handed to me by the very person i tried to help. i'm sure she doesn't mean to, and i know she really has no fault in it, that she was just telling me what she knows. and she was even trying to put the caramel and the nuts on this big-apple job, but it doesn't make it any easier to swallow. i've known this fact for quite a while now, but it was even more amplified yesterday--in this world (especially in my world), it doesn't matter what you're capable of doing, it's WHO you're capable of doing (both figuratively and literally). i can try to do everything in the world the way my morals dictate it's right, but i feel like i will always get one-upped by something inappropriate. i can keep bringing coffee to the table at meetings albeit having it cast aside, yet the day the teacher's pet brings coffee to the table, everybody seems to want a cup. once is okay, twice is coincidence. the more it happens, the more it gets difficult to think it's fair.
before the breakdown, i felt angry and frustrated. i was blaming all angles. i was making up spiteful theories about the people who i feel have done me wrong. and i get so worked up that in the end, i break down. but the good thing about emotional outbursts with a reliable shoulder, everything becomes so much clearer after the tears dry out.
when i was able to vent everything out, after i'd been able to curse the life out of the people or the situation i hate at the moment, when the runny mascara is wiped clean, the anger just slowly fades, and you start thinking clearly. and with my refreshed soul, i've come to realize that though reality pitches us a hard ball, there are different approaches to getting to home base. some people will choose to get hit in a small way and go for the easy walk to first base, while others will try to hit it as many times as possible to get it right out of the field. different strokes for different folks. there's really no right or wrong way of dealing with certain situation, only strategy. and i think i'm part of the latter bunch.
i'm the girl who believes nothing ever comes easy. if it does, then tread the waters lightly. more often than not, there's a catch. and if there's none, getting to the finish line on your own is even more fulfilling. it's not a matter of self-righteousness. it's just strategy. and in the end, when everything falls into place, i'd like to take full credit for what i've done.
sure, it sounds selfish. but i'd rather not see or feel the bruises that come from walking into the line of hard pitches. i don't want to rely on other batters to push me towards the next base when one of three things can happen--nobody hits the ball out of the field, i get called out if i don't run to the next base fast enough, or somebody else will hit a home run and i have to settle for being a a simple runner. sure they say people have to start somewhere. but i think i'd rather strike out if i have to. because then, on the rare occasion that i hit a home run, i know that it's mine.
in life, being in a team is simply sticking together for the sake of winning. but we all have different roles to play. not everyone can be a star. in the end, we all watch out for ourselves.
i guess it's just time i accepted it. i'm playing the game. i just try not to step on anybody else's toes.
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